The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
