I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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