he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
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Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
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Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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