God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
