You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
