Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
