can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
