it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
