What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
