Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
