Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
how does that bad decision feel?
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