Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
