I haven't been this sober since birth.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
