Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Dignity is for republicans.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
