in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
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went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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