It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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