Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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