he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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