Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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