Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
