he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
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she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
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Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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