I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
