for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
They took my balls.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
