If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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