So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
