Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
