just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
