hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
