I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
so let's talk penis.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
