I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
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he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She told me I should be a condom model.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
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I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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