my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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