I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
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