Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
should my penis look like a turkey
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
