Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
