the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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