Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
