She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
