then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How does it feel to date your dad?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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