They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
