So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
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i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How external is "for external use only"?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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