Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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