I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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