chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
