dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
