I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
