Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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