two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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