I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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