Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
