Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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