He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
