I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
