He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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