Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
