I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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